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Umbrellas 101

Posted by Chad on October 14, 2005

Seeing as how Mother Nature has deemed this past week “Monsoon Season” here in New York City, I have decided to go ahead and offer the citizens of this fair, albeit a bit damp, town a course in what I like to call “umbrella etiquette”.

The three week course will be broken down into a series of units:

Week 1: Know Your Umbrella – This unit will focus on the basics of umbrella operation: opening, closing, and carrying. We will be paying particular attention to issues such as when and where umbrella usage is appropriate.

Week 2: Your Umbrella And You – Here, we will explore the ins and outs of controlling your umbrella in adverse conditions, such as wind, heavy rain, and the Financial District.

Week 3: Your Umbrella And Others – In this, the final and quite possibly, most important unit, we will delve into the intricacies of your umbrella’s spacial relationship in regards to others in public. It is a hands-on unit in which we will go out into the field to practice not hitting people in the fucking face. We will also be going to the language lab to go over and rehearse different expressions for saying, “Excuse me” and “I’m sorry.”

At the end of the course, there will be a final exam. Those receiving a grade below 85% will have their umbrella privledges revoked and will be given a bright fluorescent pink poncho that proclaims “I poked an old lady in the eye with my umbrella and now I’m stuck wearing this faggy piece of pink plastic.” Those with grades between 85% and 95% will be given a handshake and a smile. Those 95% and above will get a complimentary plastic grocery bag to stow your umbrella in while riding the subway.

Classes will be held at my apartment and start Monday.

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