Cake Or Death?

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… Be Sure To Wear Some Kevlar On Your Chest

Posted by Chad on November 9, 2005

If you’re going to San Francisco, anyway. It’s no longer legal there to own, buy, or sell handguns. Now, I’m sure those criminals out there who are packin’ heat will heed this new referendum without question. I can already see them lining up to turn over their firearms.

However… on the off chance that one or two of them don’t (they are criminals after all, and they didn’t get that title by necessarily obeying the law), and you find yourself in an armed robbery situation or maybe a breaking-and-entering type of deal, here are a few pointers San Franciscans suggest you use to defend yourself:

  • If you’re good looking (and who in CA isn’t?), flash the perp a winning smile. Your laser-whitened teeth should disarm him long enough for you to engage him in conversations about his childhood and where things just started to go wrong.
  • If you’re gay (and who in CA isn’t?), break it down Streisand style. Regardless of your singing and/or dancing ability, the mere fact you’re tappin’ and flappin’ in the middle of the street should cause uproarious laughter to well up from the perp’s soul. Once he’s done pissing his pants with joy, hand him a tissue to wipe away the tears of laughter and then go grab a tofu wrap with him. Discuss Andrew Lloyd Weber over the meal.
  • If you’re a feminist (and who in CA isn’t?) scream out parts of the female genitalia at the top of your lungs. Studies have shown that even the most determined criminal will buckle under hearing “labia majora” repeatedly shouted in high, shrill voices. Once disarmed, give the guy a hug and invite him to join you at the yoga class you were on your way to before he was about to forcibly rape you at gunpoint.

If you don’t fall into any of the categories above, the citizens of San Francisco kindly ask you to stay the fuck out of their city. They’re working on building a Shiney Happy People Utopia and odds are, you just wouldn’t fit in.

That goes for military recruiters as well.


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